I feel alone in my heart.
No matter how much I have, how many around, my heart remains lonely.
It feels like having it all, and yet missing the very thing that would make me feel whole.
What is it? Who is it? If it is someone.
These feelings, as strange as they may seem, make me feel like I’m not at home.
Do I have a home anyway? Somewhere I’m not consciously aware of?
And yet the moment I am distant from those I love, I miss them — and feel even lonelier.
Is it my fate to experience these constant cycles of love and sadness?
Am I meant to learn something, so that I may value something else?
Physically, mentally and emotionally, I feel stretched out.
It seems I’ve did it all, experienced it over and over again, and no matter how much I get of these — my soul craves and yearns for something I seem to have no real clue about.
Life has always taught me to be self reliant. It always taught me to build up, remain stoic and confront whatever comes my way.
Although these words might seem desperate, I am not, for I feel a part of my being is decaying, while another one coming to birth.
In experiencing these challenges, I remained just as stoic as I currently am, praying not for help but for endurance — for it is the only thing I believe in, endurance to win and conquer all challenges I face.
A part of me still comes to the surface every time I feel like giving up, and finally accepting my limits — this part of me, forcing me to not do so.
What if I did? Nothing seem to be going the way I expect it to do so.
Everything just seems to be chaotic, and moving of its own, following its agenda and not mine. Intellectually I do appreciate the fact that I have zero control over the unfoldment of my physical experience.
But, internally, do I embrace and live by this principle? Have I really made peace with it, to honestly state that only The Creator has control over me?
I love the idea, I understand it intellectually but to be honest with you, I didn’t embrace it fully, I didn’t integrate it.
What lurks around the corner after all? Desperation? Hopelessness? Chaos?
Maybe that’s what I really fear, chaos, unpredictability, disorganization.
How much tortured have I been to be addicted to stability?
How many lies have I told myself in believing that control over my outer environment meant security over my inner one?
Only in truly surrendering will I be able to understand. But…
Do I have the courage to do so?
Am I being stretched out, and challenged to the core of my being, so that I may have no other choice but to let The Creator take over me?
I am being presented many great achievements, I am learning great lessons and experiencing transformative challenges — which all remind me how much I don’t have those things others do — I would have loved it to be money or power, but those are nothing compared to a soul that knows you, a soul you know. It has no value, compared to someone that completes you.
And yet I keep experiencing the emptiness of not having it.
Am I focused on the wrong direction?
Is it meant to hurt, so that I may want to look elsewhere and finally see just how much I had right under my feet?
For this is the way I feel deep inside — that I am sitting on a magnificent treasure — and yet paying attention to worthless matters.
How and when will I learn to dig into this treasure?
How much pain do I need until I finally surrender, and take a closer look to my treasure?
So that I may finally realize just how rich I’ve always been?
